Humans are naturally nurturing and supportive creatures — we bond with others and thrive most in socializing (even if some of us need more time to recharge). When someone we know and love needs help, we do all we can to care for them. We can give our time, money, support, and all in between to make it easier on them.
Nevertheless, not all of us can pinpoint that sensitive line between supporting someone and trying to save them. We might miss the moment when the person we love just wants us to be there. In our blindness, we jump to solutions and, instead of emotionally caring for them, go into a “problem-solving” mode. As a result, we feel unappreciated, and the other person feels misunderstood.
This article explores the distinction and shows how to take care of someone not just when we have to talk, but also when we need to listen and just be there.
What Is the Savior Complex and Why Do We Have It?
Savior complex is the tendency of some individuals to firmly associate someone else’s struggle with their own. This can be common in enmeshed relationships, when one person’s life is so thoroughly connected with another’s that they don’t have boundaries. Sometimes, people with a savior complex think that they are obligated to save someone from physical or mental suffering.
For example, someone might hear their friend talking about a tough day at work and, instead of silently offering a cup of tea or hugging them, start giving advice that was never asked for. Or an individual can share about their struggles with their ADHD, and their partner doesn’t empathize and instead starts to offer tips on how to manage ADHD. Such situations are about unasked advice and the inability to listen.
Here are some of the reasons someone might have a savior complex in relationships:
- Heightened level of empathy
- Alternatively, emotional numbness
- Inability to “read the room”
- Physical or mental exhaustion
- Poor communication skills
- Such conditions as ADHD, autism, or anxiety
- Heightened sense of responsibility.
If you know that you’d rather go into finding solutions instead of being emotionally present, go easy on yourself. Your desire to help comes from the place of care, and you can learn how to give it the way another person needs it.
Why We Need to Support, Not Save?
Supporting someone takes many forms, but most of all, it’s rooted in empathy and being present in the moment.
It does not involve taking on another person’s challenge or discussing ways to overcome existing barriers. While this can be true, support is, at its core, just about the connection.
When we learn how to be present and supportive, we:
- Show the other person that they are in control of what help they receive
- Give what is wanted, not what we think is needed
- Practice emotional intelligence and compassion
- Become better listeners
- Strengthen our relationships.
From Saving to Supporting: Strategies
Although the first step is changing our mindset, the other things we can do to improve are easy to master. Here are the key tips for transforming the way you care for someone.
Practice Active, Silent Presence
Just because you are silent doesn’t mean you don’t listen. Learn to sit with someone through pain without rushing to fix it. When you’re in a painful situation and want to support someone, put them at the center of your attention. You can say, “I’m here with you,” and they will immediately know they aren’t alone. Don’t talk it over or fill the silence — if they want, they will do it. Sitting with the quiet around gives people time to process their feelings, which is healing.
Ask Before Acting
One of the best ways to approach someone’s pain with respect is to ask about their expectations. You can say something like:
“Do you want to talk about it, or would you rather I just be here with you?”
If you feel like they might want some solutions, make sure to ask:
“Would it be helpful if I offered suggestions, or do you want to vent for now?”
When you ask these questions, avoid subtly redirecting their focus toward what you feel is the right choice. Try to be as unbiased as you can.
Watch Out for the Savior Complex
Check in with your motivations when interacting with a person in pain. Do you want to comfort the person because they need it, or are you uncomfortable with their suffering? If it is you who feels you need to do something else, it might mean you need to take a step back and reframe how you see a situation.
Use “Holding Space” as the Key
When holding space, you are present without judging or expecting anything. You don’t try to direct the talk and don’t demand a shift in mood or approach. This vision lets you concentrate on the person in question, not your interpretation.
In some ways, being with another individual like that resembles meditation: you don’t rush to other things or thoughts. If you feel like your mind is starting to drift or you grow restless, gently remind yourself — as the muscleandfitness blog suggests — that you are here for them. Stay grounded and validate what they experience. This will shift your perspective and help you connect with them more intimately.
Respect Boundaries — Theirs and Yours
When supporting others, we sometimes risk becoming the one with them. Be aware of the potential threats of such an approach and keep yourself accountable when you feel like you’re coming in too closely.
Respect the other individual as a separate entity. At the same time, protect your own needs; you might feel like you’re overexerting yourself. Remember: you cannot heal others; they have to do the process themselves. Let them do it at their own pace.
Learning to Care Without Judgment
While you master a new skill — or a new philosophy — remind yourself that there’s another person at the end of your transformation. By becoming a person who listens and supports them without pressure, you show them that they are worth caring for. Be there. And perhaps one day, they will be there for you. That’s the beauty of relationships.
